My friend has severe cough and a running nose. Maamla cough'naak hai
May this year ends, may this year end
May this year ends, may this year end
Sunday, 31 May 2020
Friday, 29 May 2020
Monday, 25 May 2020
The Drag on route
The Drag on route
Sweltering noon on road
A non descript one that leads
To broken and neglected kin
That never pounced on Highway
To the glittering metropolitan cities
The return to the village is uncertain
With the flutter of torn attire
An easy access to blazing wind
It need not knock on porous doors.
The little hand is now a burden
For he fails to keep pace with dad
His broken slipper in the hand
The blisters have swollen high
Like painful pads of his sole
The family has not eaten for days
As the hot fire from the sky
Lashes at their sorrowful procession
While they walk on burning tar
They knelt several times a day
Only to find a different version of God!
Delhi
18.18 hrs
25.5.20
1858
Sweltering noon on road
A non descript one that leads
To broken and neglected kin
That never pounced on Highway
To the glittering metropolitan cities
The return to the village is uncertain
With the flutter of torn attire
An easy access to blazing wind
It need not knock on porous doors.
The little hand is now a burden
For he fails to keep pace with dad
His broken slipper in the hand
The blisters have swollen high
Like painful pads of his sole
The family has not eaten for days
As the hot fire from the sky
Lashes at their sorrowful procession
While they walk on burning tar
They knelt several times a day
Only to find a different version of God!
Delhi
18.18 hrs
25.5.20
1858
Sunday, 24 May 2020
If buckets don’t move, will wells far go ?
A haughty guy spilled over himself his hot tea when he saw a hottie wearing a hot tee
“Tu aaya hi idhar lutyen waaste”: lutyen's Delhi to tourist
I opened a stall with facial cosmetics for budget services . However , all clients of mine developed warts after leaving my stall.
I became famot as a stalwart.
How do we insist upon swadeshi goods usage when one MP is named Jaya Prada ?
Marathi jokes
-One carrot to another one that has just been grated “ kasi aahe?”
The other one replies “ kasi aahe”
-One magician was advised by his guru , “ life mein kitni bhi problems ho, kabhi gam'mat karo “
- I got lots of snacks for party with friends but sab chhez chhat ko'ja'giri.. मंझे गच्छि वर कोजागिरी
If u add to S:
Laughter , can u be charged for slaughter
Train, can u hv a stretch or strain
Wallow, do u bite it or swallow
Wine, can u create swine
Often, can u make hard life soften
In, will u atone for this sin
U'r face , don’t u deck the surface
Wish, move your knife swiftly with a swish
Word , then u get a sword
Wing , u can make ball swing
Tagline of a hospital- we save diseased from becoming deceased
Marathi jokes
1.The computer programmer pointed out the glitch in program: “ bug bug”
2. Everyone was looking for Baba till one scientist admitted..Ho Mi Bhabha
3. The dad wanted to replace a mom for another..an eye for an eye
4.havr you heard of hike ? Hik'laa aaiklaa ?
5. Why do they singvin anger ? Raag aahe
उसकी मां सौ तेली के माफिक तेल निकाल देती थी। सौतेली थी न
Communal puns
हरा हरा देगा, भगवा भगवा देगा
During induction the police recruits were advised that they will get money per chase.
In a few months of posting they expected the shopkeepers to pay them money purchase .
One brilliant guy sat below an apple tree when a fresh 1000 kg dropped on his head.
It was a New Tonne
A hubby assigned responsibility of household chores..
A historian would clean utensils in a way you would come to know what was last eaten in it before the wash
A banker would clean floor by applying auto sweep facility and take all credit for it . Further je would take all savings from his wife and then lend her back at some higher interest rate.
A plumber would wash his hands off any responsibility
A chef would cook her goose
A phyician would return from kitchen after feeling pulse and prescribe medicine
An architect would clean printer by taking all blue ink for making blue prints of castles in the air
A journalist would complete dusting by DU sting , ie conducting sting operation at Delhi University
An ophthalmologist for washing clothes but he turned a blind eye to all dirt
A chemical engineer for hospitality but he was acidic
A grocer for cleaning showcase but when he finished everything was off the shelf
A quarry worker would clean the lawn but he could gather no moss
An foreign minister to keep news updates but he was busy in external affairs
A scientist to check weight of fruit purchased but he could not balance the equation
A mathematician to plant saplings but he wanted square roots
A gardener to clean flowing water but he could not stem the tide
A plumber to resist the crowd at fault but he went with the flow
A chartered accountant to arrange loose paper but he could not balance sheet
A waiter to call the busy doctor but he was not patient
A broker to distribute his food but he failed to share
An astronaut to squeeze loose items but he wanted more space
A pilot to teach kids in detail but he was good only at a crash course
A teacher to silent the jarring computer so he fixed a monitor
An eskimo to clean his house so he turned on a heater
A barrister to play host to wife’s parents but he was no expert in law
A car mechanic to play tambola with kids but he handed a bumper prize
A milkman to assist in parking but he knew only how to blow horn
A compounder to simplify problems but he compounded them
A dentist to assign the above responsibilities but he bit more than he could chew
It’ll be foolish to prefer a half donkey to a full one. It’s wise to choose an ass whole
शक्ल अच्छी नहीं फ़िर भी मुंह आसा
वो जिसे देखकर गरीब का मुंह अय्या करे
I wanted to assist at home in
- Stitching but now my head is reeling
- Cooking but the plan is now on a back burner
- Washing clothes but work load could deter gent
- Dusting but all my open mouth could do was to bite dust
- Broom the floor but bride + groom = broom
- Drinking under dim lights but scotch brite
- Making a table cover but could not reach Croatia
- Watering the plants but could not tap water..the plan was nipped in the bud
- Trimming the grass but got mowed down
- Polishing the footwear but no one’s from Poland
- Making some coffee but it’s no use to cry over spilt milk
Dont u want a toned तोंड आणि तोंद
तोंड , (मराठी) मुंह
आणि, (मराठी) और
What a versatile actor, har role ke liye Radhika Apt'e
हर लड़की साड़ी पहन कर दूसरी लड़कियों को बता रही है , ‘चलेंगे”
अरे भाई घर पर बैठो
और तो और दूसरी भी साड़ी पहनकर ऑफर मान रही है” challenge accepted”
We need to buy curd strictly from outside.
Ghar mein nahi Jamaati
Those who had their last haircut as spikes style have now long hair falling downwards. They are trying to cope up with lock'down
There is a phenomenon that cannot be changed...it happens when every person haschis own eye nose throat specialist. This is called per’man’ent
Everyone wanted to visit the house that was full of chics.
They called it chidiya ghar
Yearning for that one line after lockdown “ kitne salon baad aya hoon”
मंज नू ( पंजाबी) – भैंस के माफिक बहू
I have my idli idly ideally. I have turned to sombre from docile.
Chahal pahal- the frenzy caused by Yuzvendra by bowling the first over
One man who answered every Aussie prayer was Dawn bread'man. Early morning he gave them their daily bread.
Why does any one become obese if he has two intoxicating drinks ?
Coz he becomes tunn tunn
Radha offered butter to Kanha without a vessal . To avoid getting greasy hands , he asked “ bowl , Radha bowl”.
The tempered glass is not fitting tight on my mobile screen. I am getting loose tempered.
Does the public deserve liberty if it chooses to be led by Cage ri wall
The teacher scheduled a test during festivals. The students who were anti-test decided to pro-test.
Translate – have drunk get done fourth
है पी करवा चौथ
Yes..happy karwachauth
The Indian cricket team coach has become richer but grounded . He is now Earth 'shastri
My Room mate in hostel was a poet .
Fondly called him Rumi roomie
Ida = No’ida
So expensive you can’t buy any property there = cannot place
Do everything and run = Kar all bhag
Illness without why = Malad
We garland spring = vasant we haar
⛪⛩️ = Church gate
Monkey come = bandra
Catching criminal under the guise of helping them = cuff per aid
Single widow clearance = multiple permission to be obtained by widow for remarriage
At your Sir Vice :
Cold hot dog
Hot cold drink
Boneless veg tandoori
Chicken haryali
Milk after mango ( doodh baad'aam)
Happy heart ( Dil khush )
Spicy lady fingers – masala bhindi
Which participation in reality show signifies it’s theme ?
Big boss mein koe'na Mitra
The mountaineer pushed his girlfriend off a gorge. Now he is feeling gorgeous
Salim asked his girlfriend to do something but “ kuch bhi Kar saki'na”.
Mon'soon – the cloudy feeling of weekend having ended to bring a Monday too soon..may also lead to a downpour
The strict wife of a drunkard bought an iron bar to bar him from entering a bar. In the bargain she bartered all his belongings barring his overflowing barrel
Barbarians – those who love going to bar twice as much as others .
Barish – feeling like going to bar ..eg I am feeling barish today
Barber – getting sober after coming out of bar so that u can return home . Eg ..I am trying to get barber
Bartender– the female u meet at a bar
Bar council – revealing your secrets when drunk at bar in hope that someone will stitch phata his
Baritone – eye tonic at a bar
Barbeque – falling in line at a bar
Barrier – when u cannot go to back side of a bar
Barometer – measure of drink needed to take off tension ka gola your soul is under ( aatma'spheric pressure)
Barrister – one who fixes marriage alliances in bar
Barrack – where a tired soldier finally gets a good drink after a hard day duty
Bardana – bar snack ( chakhna/
The subordinate stopped communicating. It was a matter of “ some perk “
एक परी ने तीन दोस्त को एक एक आस मांगने को कहा। पहले ने पैसा मांगा , दूसरे ने खुशी। तीसरे ने सांप मांगा। वो आस तीन का सांप निकला ।
I started bending on both knees to build biceps ..coz Kneel Armstrong..no wonder I am all over the moon.
By the way two moons are not mad . Coz moon moon sane .
के साथ
समौसा- मौसा के साथ
स्वतंत्र – स वतन तंत्र
संबंध – स बंध
संघर्ष – स अंग हर्ष
संगरूर – स गुरूर
सनकी – स न की
I asked the Ticket checker in train ,” ye super fast itni slow kyu hai?”
He replied , “ tu isi ko Gati'maan”.
A patient asked doctor with his report which part of body needed to be cured .
“ Tongue “ said the doc.
“Tongue ? Oral cancer ??” asked frightened patient
“ Tongue gayi hai tasveer Khushi ki”.
Patient “ sir . Part bataiye pls “
Doctor “ gurde “
Patient “ omg ..gurde ?”
Doctor “ gur de Raha hu tumko”
Patient “ konse part ka ilaaj karau?”
Doctor “ sir ka ….sirka pyaaz khao..loo nahi lagegi “
Patient “ ill aaj main nahi mentally ill to tu hai ja ilaaj karaa apne sir ka,”
“Aaj Kya logi darling? “, man to his wife at an apparel store.
She “ aaj Sari le loogi”
The fruit basket gifted to groom's family during marriage ceremony got consumed very fast but bahu sasural mein abhi bhi tokri hai
Mr Shah got a son after a long wait. He named him Prateek.
We called him prateek-shah
Zyaada press ho gaya..isliye compress ho gaya
Saw a monkey enjoy shower in rain.
It was a monkey bath
I watched this add on TV where they boasted of selling not a single ply but a multiply. They called not of they or you but of mine'us
ps. As a kid I had 2 sizes of protractors..I called smaller one D narrow and the bigger one divide
My friend wants his super rich GF back but wo nahi lottery
Have common page in summers
Traslates to
Garmi mein aam panna piyen
जब मौसी समौसा आईं उनकी नज़र घर में कचरे पर टिक्की। उन्होंने बाई को पकोड़ा और नहीं कहीं किचौड़ी। उन्होंने चील्ला समझाया की ये गोल गोलगप्पे छोड़ दो सबका भल्ला होगा।
भूखे मुंह ने अन्न डाला
फिर वो बोला अंडा ला
अंडे में सुन ये निकल पर आए
फिर हो गए अपने भी पराए
Hollible horridays p ltd booked my tickets of foreign tour with an insane guy.
Mad'rid finally somehow !
Buniyaad hai.
Buni yaad hai
Bahut baas Marta tha..par mujhko uski bu ni yaad hai
What if Mausmi Chatterjee married Farukh Sheik ?
She would become Mausmi Shake
PS. Remember to put fevicol too...doodh futt jayega
परेशान पेट ने चटोरी जीभ से क्या कहा : अरे कभी नाभि करो
Traslate “ his flesh is weeping “
Usko ro'mance ho Raha hai
Document file karna hai , table se punch'kula.. Chandigarh jaana chahta Hun par mohal’i nahi ban raha
I want to buy low priced mineral water bottle from the lady but wo bis’leri hai
The obese took to exercise with a heavy heart
Zara Hir'akud ke boli to Raanjha Bha’khad a hua
Mayonnaise—19.5.19
I wanted to buy a cheap bottle of mineral water from lady at the counter but wo bis'leri. Then I wanted to give it to her relatives but she said tu kin'ley . I went Lal peela with anger and she said ,” le'har, ayr apni traffic light Puri kar “. I could not Catch her actual sense and sharam se pani pani ho gaya.
Now you don’t need to buy any water , she said with a smile .
Mom asked her daughter, a struggling actress, who the naughty man was ... “Ma'him”, she said. “ Ye Andheri mein sona chahta tha. Par main to chandi'wali Hoon”.
“ 7 din Tak ma'rol mangti rahi par pura vikh'roli nahi mila. Itni daru pilayi par isne ek bar bhi mujhko saki na'ka. Isko lawyer ke chembur mein let jayenge tabhi Kalyan hoga. Phir isko thane mein jail hogi and he will show Sion of improvement. “
Ma'lad see boli , “ theek hai beta..goregaon mein Kali bhains...we will teach him lesson Jo ye kabhi apne baap se na'sik paya”
हमारी feelings Ki इज़्ज़त'न'गर होगी तो हम को' देसी' आ तम्मा दोगे ?
My tea : what I become after having it
Some sweets :
The water is lost. Go to moon - gul'aab ja moon
Rub feather - par'mal
The juice is lost..come : Ras’gul'aa
Icy : barfi
Cashew murderi – kaju katli
Moon art – Chandra kala
Hair sweet – Baal mithai
Lion mare – Singh'ghodi
Burn also – jalebi
She dies - ee'marti
Not 6 hens - che'na'murgi
Gravel royal – balu shahi
Sing barren holy - gaa'jar pak
She has come after rubbing juice - ras'mal'ai
एक बहुत चालू लड़की थी । वो चोटी सी फ्रॉक में थी।
सारे लड़के फ़िराक में थे।
A great feeling of achievement when you finish a small bottle of liquor – quarter end
The busy doctor whose fee is exorbitant is free today
Shubham GILL was asked to what he knows of Taimur LUNG. “ That he used to have FEFDA jalebi for morning breakfast. “
लाता है खुशी , नाम गम'ला
Alistair Cook to India returned Jos Butler , “ Delhi’kaisi?”
एक stall से सब बाराती काफी खाना ला रहे थे, धीरे धीरे वहां काफी' ला बन गया
We will get marks tomorrow
Kal'ank मिलेंगे
The late Jaywant Lele was handed over award by famous writer Shobha de …coz jab Shobha de tab Jaywant Lele
काटने तो पूरा जंगल गया था पर लक्कड़' हारा
महंगी क्रीम वो खुश होकर लगाती थी। मुंह फुलाकर लगाने से जल्दी क्रीम ख़तम हो जाती।
अगर आप को अंदर से मालूम है कि आप बहादुर सिर्फ बन रहे हो तो आप बंदर तो नहीं
अगर आपके अंदर आग है तो आप सिकंदर तो नहीं। अगर आप के अंदर gas से पेट फट रहा है तो आप सिलिंडर तो नहीं ।
गर्मी में अगर hill station पर hotel booking नहीं मिले तो टकले हो जाओ। पहाड़गंज मिल जाएगा
We can’t make a fuel out of you . It’s a crime . Crime petrol. Coz u can’t win diesel . Being a paying guest u can’t shout much , only yell PG.
The weak english class went for hunting but could not even Shake’spear.
होली की शाम में पड़ोसी को पहचाना जब वो ना’
Lambi Qatar mein mere ku’wait na karna padey..isliye usko sau’dia toh woh bola “ara’bia aap aagey aa jao”
My watch has a discharged battery . Now it has become a one time watch .
Oh deer ! In a forest I rushed to pick my beast friend who would li’on grass but had to stop on seeing a zebra crossing
Jaya prada – worshipping brands
• Lady fish to her lover- main teri Khoj mein saara samundar ghoom gyi , parents Tuna mila
एक लड़के की अम्मा का नाम वस्या और मासी का नाम पूरण था। मासी उसके घर रहने आईं तो एक साथ ही अमावस्या और पूरणमासी हो गई
The big family returned after a long trip to US. Now he balti more and she’s washing tonne
My asthmatic friend went for trekking. He found some spots simply breath taking.
The bowler was sure of getting tailender batsman out but usney bowler ko chaukka diya
मी प्रवास दरम्यान किल्ली विसरलो ।
“ पुणे चला”
Tumhari akal bhi katni trichy hai..iron seel plant lagaya bhi to erode main
We take care of guys in our land. High hukku high high mera Mann guy guy . Offices to hv lynch breaks so that beefle folks can hv their last suffer. Cow ko mat cow. Goat hai na...poor animal kisi game mein na mohra na Goat hai. Main bhi kya bakra hoon
These guys in disguise
The self obsessed lady would often make up for her behaviour by using vanity.
The hawker helped his convict friend aur bail puri ho gyi.
Saara desh ab gujar’raat raha
These long sitting office hours will one day ensure our tails are set below back again . This impact will be called re’tail ass’set.
Once upon a time there was an obese prince. He was advised to take servings in a small box rather than his royal platter to reduce weight. There was a substantial reduction gradually. He grew up to be called out of box thin’king.
वक्त के ठोकर जब हम को धोकर टमाटर देंगे
ज्यादा आती महंगाई का जवाब हम कम-आकर देंगे
अब तो यही बात गहरी है मन में समाई
Aaj time pe aaja. Calculate ho jaana .
Panditji was very patient. Always said hari hari .
The Chinese suffer from arthritis . When they meet each other they first ask “ knee how ?”
A policeman’s uniform asked him , “ I am worthy , are you ?”
“Papa, how many marks did u score in your tenth ?”
“ I four’got “
पहाड़ चढते हुए सब बार बार खाने को कोई चीज़ मांग रहे थे। मैंने कहा – अभी तो खाई है
उसने दारू पीने का मन बनाया पर चखना’चूर हो गया ।
The ladies pulled each others’ hair in a fight. Dono ke beech un’bun ho gyi.
The RO machine was a pleasant sight. Mujhe wo Kent lag rahi thi
Bio dig raid able – Ability of bai to raid into private items and dig into family secrets
Bio law ji – the quality of bai to say ji to every order and then follow her own whims
Bio me tricks- the bai tricking everyone by not turning up despite request
Bio teen – a teenaged bai at home , much to dislike of the lady .
Mer maid – when the bai is on leave and lady of the house mops on own . Her legs are wet in drenched gown and she ends up in a fatal stage of tiredness .
Should a mango..will miss take him ?
Grape comes from vine , wine comes from Grape.
One vine to another – stop graping at me
She monkey to her hubby – I love grey’apes
Today is the day of self cannibalism- 17 ate 17
2
Anal’eyes- checking out
I am dying to go abroad. Feeling foreign’sick
Roz’marra – a discontent that one will die completing daily chores only
थी ख्वाहिश कुछ खास कर जीने की , पर रोज़ मर्रा
“ I have plans to enjoy drinks at home today “ I said to my wife. She replied , “ go-bar”
RR in court ,” mujhe maafi dedo”
Judge “ teri wali ?”
Overheard in Mumbai “..bah’rain ho rahi hai...ghar mein hi in-undate kar lo”
The Secret of holy Flood was a misunderstood pun ..”I nun date”
Lo ! Dera hoon
Impossible accomplished – charged love charger in a cell
Confused dad’s favourite holiday destination – West Bengal.
From there he can see asansol clearly
The socks court was in session. The larger ones were accused of always being found stocking
I entered a bar bravely at 21.59 but bar ten der
उसके चेहरे का रंग उड़ गया
He came out with flying colours
The abductors tied up children but pretending kid’napped ran’some.
He never believed in cooked up stories from others . He had all in’formation.
As a coach i want to express my desire to train her on how to get wooed . Par wo nahi patri.
It’s so nice when mom pulls up a lower on punju kid . He shares his feeling and says “pae jaa maa”
It was full of flaming ashes on TV but urn’ab hut gaya.
Do anjaan ek Cafe se ba’rishta nikley
Meri heart beat gali toh uski pulse bani
Park pulse na gali kyuki I had no money
રાત ગઈ છે
આ છે દિન
Whenever Pakistan cease fire India sees fire
My rss affiliate friend promised to accompany me . Par sang’hi leke nahi gya
Ab tak chap’pun-
The cuff of my shirt was torn when it got entangled in a bush. Now it has become a bush-shirt.
The committee interrogated staff for details of the source of funds but could not get the fine’answer.
“see ya pa “ said the children going out for late night party.
“siyapa” replied the concerned dad with a wry smile.
I challenged the tailor he could not stitch the dress like the one on display. “lagi shirt ?”
Husbands in Saudi are affluent. Sab Arab pati hain .
Overheard in kitchen late night .
“mein tumko kabse bowl raha hun ..mujhe kyu pakkad rakha hai ?”
“ nahi ji , main to sirf tumko churi hun par tumko kya fork padta hai”
The champ lost race due to suffering from athlete foot and a running nose.
हर शख्स हमें मोह-ताज दिखा
चाहे कल मिला या आज दिखा
जब सबके दिल पर राज होगा
तब माथे पर सच्चा ताज होगा
He gave me a piece of jaggery. I found it gud.
Students who make notes grow up to make notes
Got different types of dias during diwali and placed them all over. The one inside room was In dia. A one gram variety was dia gram. One that meant the world to my French wife was dia monde. A sparkling one kept near a wooden piece spoke out to others..hence called dia log. Another one was a diaphragm abroad. It was sweet looking but my wife’s diabete (s) noire. Another one was round and took a meter called dia meter. When all were placed in was left with my wife Bin dia.
Punjabi pun
The work got over . Kamuk gaya
How do you prove boys join girls after a fight ?
sab ladki ladkey aa jao
= all girls and boys come = All girls come after a fight
And boys = after a fight.
Hence proved .
Can kiss only below knees. Kiss mat apni up knee.
In the initial years of marriage I used to call my wife beautiful first thing in the morning. I still call her that. Only now it’s be you tea full.
Chai ki chuski e
The guy wanted a girl who could make proper tea.
What did she say to her rather aged date which touched her ?
मुझको क्यू छुआरा है
I feel dizzy when going to Hill stations. Sir mera chakrata
The prince and the pauper wanted the same thing. The throne/thrown.
Match begins at Centurion. Indian team is in search of a few amidst their batsmen too .
VACANCY FOR – LOSERS for handing over stuff from basement to sales staff on ground floor. They will give up easily .
Tried to tone my body in a gym ..failed
Trying to drink more and hv lots of snacks...6 pack abs nahi to 6 peg abs hi sahi
Toned (hindi)
Wishing everyone money , place to drink and tasty snacks to eat.
Re pub lic(k)
Happy Republic Day
एक उत्तर दीजिए-
पानी क्यूं भर कर रखा ?
सारा दोष क्यूं अपने ऊपर लिया?
क्यूंकि
बहाना नहीं था
The lawn equipment was above average...it never got mowed down
What did one goat say to another tied in same butcher shop ?
Let's meat
What did the chef give to a score of soldiers with their leader ?
21 salamis
The old man at dye shop asked me if he could use a different colour .
“ I don’t care if you dye olive “, I said rudely.
His wife had always said she couldn’t live without him.
When she was asked to desert him , उसने प्राण त्याग दिए
The tigress was administered laxative during delivery . Usko cubs ho gyi thi .
As per survey findings the people are not happy with present government due to rising prices. The prices will lead to end of those at helm of affairs . However , the agency is forced to confirm everyone is happy. The chief cannot lie .
So he sums up , “ Survey: sukhi na bhaav ant tu “
The head of south Asian arm of an MNC was good at heart and offered to foot the bill of team dinner at Palm Grove restaurant even though he had only fish fingers. He left everyone tongue tied and tight lipped . It soon became a thumb rule in the company .
The pretty girl studied in the adjacent class room. She was a class apart.
Mc Donald’s plan some changes . One - they will launch an intelligent burger that will taste like a biscuit. Mc Witty. Open spaces with lively music called Mc Arena. There will be poles and carts of knee height to carry their stuff to this Mc arena. This facility will be called Pole Mc cart knee.
Finally, there is a code a mom asks her son if he has looted bahu ka maika. Maika looti ki nahi..which sounds like Mc aloo tikki nahi
Boss – Aiyyo , yie need this report yon yearly basis .
Staff – ok Sir, I will submit this next year
Boss – you are fired
The beloved comes (hindi) : jaanu aari
Awesome beer at : Fab brewery
I -m a part of circumference : I -m arch
March past : April
Lord Krishna allowed him to make mistake in one particular month : err June
The lice brought (hindi) : ju lai
The wind of fascination : awe gust
Seven on fire : Sept ember
An awkward you tuber- Awk tuber
The new sky (hindi) : Nav amber
The sambhar cooked by elder sister : Di’s sambhar
The fair lady your dress is lovely (hindi song) – gori tera gown bada pyara
Yellow in hindi equals red in English.
Wo chup chaap apne haath peele karke bhag gyi aur range haathon pakdi gyi. She was caught red handed when her hands were yellow.
Hence proved
Carb’on dating – a person on a strict diet regimen forced to have carbs on a date.
Delhi’cacy – a Delhite outside city missing food of delhi and asking for updates .
Mob lunching – hungry bunch running havoc on food in a party.
Yawn rogue – a rogue yawning in a party and inducing sleep among other guests
Par’tea- an overhyped dinner invite ending up equivalent of a tea party only.
High per city – excessive drinking making one feel the entire city is on a high
Aloo mutter – one guest muttering to another and calling to a washroom.
Go’bhi- a tired host asking his guests to eventually leave .
Kadhi neend aa- kadhi inducing sleep on consumption
Finally , apki rai maan ke isliye jeera hoon ki wo potato sahi
-Why are homelite and ship so good at matrimony ?
Coz they always have a match
-What did an empty m match box say before the challenge?
I am no match for him
-Why did they leave the match stick alone when it rained during a game?
The match was abandoned .
-How did the kid ask for a cheese stick from his mom ?
Maa’cheese ki tili dena
-What did the bengali say when his match box turned into trouble ?
Maachis jhol
Peak level – the height up to which walls of govt offices are spit upon by pan chewing people.
7
Unemployed son to his mom - Gamma – Ohm shanti Ohm ..phir tu sona char Pi par.
Mom – Omegawd ! What an idea Beta. I’ll find some way to help you . Then I’ll get you a Dell tab.
Son – tau bhi ab mujhe eta nahi marenge ...mat rho ma..teri nu bhi sundar hogi
Unemployed son to his mom - γ..Ω shanti Ω..phir tu sona π π π π par
Mom – ω-wd ! What an idea β .α ind some way to help you . Then I’ll get you a δ-b.
Son- τ bhi ab mujhe η nahi marenge .. ρ mat ma ..teri ν bhi sundar hogi
Years back..a West Indian batsman signalled for gloves and was irritated as no one got them for long .
He shouted , “ gloves kyu nahi laa rahe ? Twelfth man kaun hai ??”.
Reply from the dug out ,” Lara hoon “.
The defaulter has made recovery of bad loans for bankers almost like a huge mountain to surmount .
He-mallya
Hum gye Agra ke Devi ram ki poori jalebi khane Kisi ne wife pe mara’donna toh uski surat Rooney ho gyi. Bahut samjhaya..choti baat ko mat dil Pele par woh boli ..Messi hi hoon.
Ye kya bakwas padh rahe ho sab ...subah subah soccer uthey ho..Bhagwan ka naam lo
Navratri ke next day imli bhi imfl dikhai dega
Npa se Bach ne ke liye banks mein choksi badhaane ki scheme ka mallya’rpan jald hi hoga.
Wo hai top ki heroine
Aisi kalpana laajmi hai
Uska naam poocha to boli
Naam shabana aaj me hai
A simple recipe for those who observe fast and want to hv taste of gold gappas..
1. Take kuttu puris with a glass of water.
U’ll hv pani puri .
2. Ladies to remove their bindi and enter into gossip about their ambition in life . It’ll be called goal gappein minus bindi = goal gappe
3. U can ask for permission. “poochke “ hi to chahiye.
4. U can have batasha with sugar makhanas. At least u can hv batasha .
गर्मी के आते ही दिन बड़े हो गए ।
पर बड़े अच्छे लगते हैं ।
अर्थात अच्छे दिन आ गए ।
Hence proved
Why do we hv to visit police station repeatedly for getting report registered?
Coz they read FIR in hindi
FIR likhwane aya hai
If u are sufferung from a low BMR level
Hv lots of drinks and improve your Beer Malt and Rum levels
रोटी दे रोटी दे
बोटी दे बोटी दे
बोटी दे रोटी दे
रोटी दे बोटी दे
ये क्या है?
भूखा शेर
What did one pancake mix say to other ?
I am feeling batter.
Discuss throw – baatein karte hue phenkna
Paika ‘dily- a girl missing her maika when married outside delhi
If one who understands ur pain is hum dard...one who bleeds with u is hum'bled
Why do most stylish people do not like micro max ?
Coz they like micro minis
If number lock is a num lock ..one who counts on bed is num’bed ?
Asked if he was sure if the crime was committed by a rather ugly nun , the prime witness confirmed, “ yucky nun”.
Why did all guys want to take the third sack in queue? Coz it was sack C
After a lively duet performance that kept audience till late night, they announced ..ab solo
The guy was fed up with dark skinned prospectiveow brides . He observed fast and prayed till their Goddess appeared and promised a wish He said “ Ma shaadi ke liye ek gori laa”.
The next day he was married to a gorilla .
Kangana Ranaut could not be handed over registration papers of car
Kyuki haath Kangan ko RC kya hua
I used to think earlier...now I am ex-pensive
What is a personnel department for commoners called ?
Aam ka HR
Mandira needs only to remove her bindi to intoxicate. Then she becomes Madira
Aurangzeb collection – limited edition designer shirts with pocket of a different colour
Apne moo mian me too – silent suffering of cattle class women at the hands of their respective husband
An adolescent girl from orthodox family felt shy to openly share what she wanted. So she simply giggled ...he hehe
Quinton de cock and kemar roach were batting together in IPL. Their partnership was called the cock roach stand .
Am planning to invest huge amount in apparel store of Arrow and Gant. The store will be rightly named Arrow Gant.
I called Vin Diesel on his direct line . “ hello Vin “I said.
“ do I look like one ?” hr asked
Bishen singh Bedi was deadly on home pitches when Sri Lanka toured India.
This is called ghar ka Bedi Lanka dhaye
The guy married an ageing actress ..just in the Nick of time .
What is father of pup called ?
Dog
What is mom of kitten called !
Cat
What is father of tiger called ?
Jackie
Translate to himdi
She laughs very heavily.
Wow bahut bhari hasti hai
How does a dancing Santa in South India turn an actress into a snack ?
Rambha ho ho ho..main nachoon tum nacho
Daru wohi Jo Sula de
There were kids of class 4th E.
One day they set up a tent in the class .
That was called
Tent at iv e
or tentative
Australia : Currently Handscomb Head, Paine to follow !
They asked me to take name of milk products ..I could only mutter paneer
The basketball school had high principals
Tum Thailand kyu ghoom aye, apne desk mein Kya Krabi thi
शेख साहब कचालू क्यों खाते थे?
क्यूंकि उनको अरबी पसंद थी
If u continue to dislike is it a stay’shun?
च – बुरी बला है
आओ न्यायलय पर बुरा पुदीना के पास मिलें - lets meet near bad mint on court
Those who jump and bounce a lot can easily get off'spring
दास्तां ए दासताना
हम गए रात 11.15 बजे का शो देखने, 100% attendance ! Elections, 50 % ?
मोदीनुमा थानोस और बाकी सबका महा गठबंधन।
लोहेवाला, मकड़िवाला, काली विधवा, अजीब चिकित्सक, काली मिर्च गमला इत्यादि
एक 6 पत्थर का दास्ताना सारा जहां मस्ताना... सिर्फ एक सवाल, ये english movies में छोटे jokes पर भी सब ज़ोर से क्यों हंसते हैं?
A haughty guy spilled over himself his hot tea when he saw a hottie wearing a hot tee
“Tu aaya hi idhar lutyen waaste”: lutyen's Delhi to tourist
I opened a stall with facial cosmetics for budget services . However , all clients of mine developed warts after leaving my stall.
I became famot as a stalwart.
How do we insist upon swadeshi goods usage when one MP is named Jaya Prada ?
Marathi jokes
-One carrot to another one that has just been grated “ kasi aahe?”
The other one replies “ kasi aahe”
-One magician was advised by his guru , “ life mein kitni bhi problems ho, kabhi gam'mat karo “
- I got lots of snacks for party with friends but sab chhez chhat ko'ja'giri.. मंझे गच्छि वर कोजागिरी
If u add to S:
Laughter , can u be charged for slaughter
Train, can u hv a stretch or strain
Wallow, do u bite it or swallow
Wine, can u create swine
Often, can u make hard life soften
In, will u atone for this sin
U'r face , don’t u deck the surface
Wish, move your knife swiftly with a swish
Word , then u get a sword
Wing , u can make ball swing
Tagline of a hospital- we save diseased from becoming deceased
Marathi jokes
1.The computer programmer pointed out the glitch in program: “ bug bug”
2. Everyone was looking for Baba till one scientist admitted..Ho Mi Bhabha
3. The dad wanted to replace a mom for another..an eye for an eye
4.havr you heard of hike ? Hik'laa aaiklaa ?
5. Why do they singvin anger ? Raag aahe
उसकी मां सौ तेली के माफिक तेल निकाल देती थी। सौतेली थी न
Communal puns
हरा हरा देगा, भगवा भगवा देगा
During induction the police recruits were advised that they will get money per chase.
In a few months of posting they expected the shopkeepers to pay them money purchase .
One brilliant guy sat below an apple tree when a fresh 1000 kg dropped on his head.
It was a New Tonne
A hubby assigned responsibility of household chores..
A historian would clean utensils in a way you would come to know what was last eaten in it before the wash
A banker would clean floor by applying auto sweep facility and take all credit for it . Further je would take all savings from his wife and then lend her back at some higher interest rate.
A plumber would wash his hands off any responsibility
A chef would cook her goose
A phyician would return from kitchen after feeling pulse and prescribe medicine
An architect would clean printer by taking all blue ink for making blue prints of castles in the air
A journalist would complete dusting by DU sting , ie conducting sting operation at Delhi University
An ophthalmologist for washing clothes but he turned a blind eye to all dirt
A chemical engineer for hospitality but he was acidic
A grocer for cleaning showcase but when he finished everything was off the shelf
A quarry worker would clean the lawn but he could gather no moss
An foreign minister to keep news updates but he was busy in external affairs
A scientist to check weight of fruit purchased but he could not balance the equation
A mathematician to plant saplings but he wanted square roots
A gardener to clean flowing water but he could not stem the tide
A plumber to resist the crowd at fault but he went with the flow
A chartered accountant to arrange loose paper but he could not balance sheet
A waiter to call the busy doctor but he was not patient
A broker to distribute his food but he failed to share
An astronaut to squeeze loose items but he wanted more space
A pilot to teach kids in detail but he was good only at a crash course
A teacher to silent the jarring computer so he fixed a monitor
An eskimo to clean his house so he turned on a heater
A barrister to play host to wife’s parents but he was no expert in law
A car mechanic to play tambola with kids but he handed a bumper prize
A milkman to assist in parking but he knew only how to blow horn
A compounder to simplify problems but he compounded them
A dentist to assign the above responsibilities but he bit more than he could chew
It’ll be foolish to prefer a half donkey to a full one. It’s wise to choose an ass whole
शक्ल अच्छी नहीं फ़िर भी मुंह आसा
वो जिसे देखकर गरीब का मुंह अय्या करे
I wanted to assist at home in
- Stitching but now my head is reeling
- Cooking but the plan is now on a back burner
- Washing clothes but work load could deter gent
- Dusting but all my open mouth could do was to bite dust
- Broom the floor but bride + groom = broom
- Drinking under dim lights but scotch brite
- Making a table cover but could not reach Croatia
- Watering the plants but could not tap water..the plan was nipped in the bud
- Trimming the grass but got mowed down
- Polishing the footwear but no one’s from Poland
- Making some coffee but it’s no use to cry over spilt milk
Dont u want a toned तोंड आणि तोंद
तोंड , (मराठी) मुंह
आणि, (मराठी) और
What a versatile actor, har role ke liye Radhika Apt'e
हर लड़की साड़ी पहन कर दूसरी लड़कियों को बता रही है , ‘चलेंगे”
अरे भाई घर पर बैठो
और तो और दूसरी भी साड़ी पहनकर ऑफर मान रही है” challenge accepted”
We need to buy curd strictly from outside.
Ghar mein nahi Jamaati
Those who had their last haircut as spikes style have now long hair falling downwards. They are trying to cope up with lock'down
There is a phenomenon that cannot be changed...it happens when every person haschis own eye nose throat specialist. This is called per’man’ent
Everyone wanted to visit the house that was full of chics.
They called it chidiya ghar
Yearning for that one line after lockdown “ kitne salon baad aya hoon”
मंज नू ( पंजाबी) – भैंस के माफिक बहू
I have my idli idly ideally. I have turned to sombre from docile.
Chahal pahal- the frenzy caused by Yuzvendra by bowling the first over
One man who answered every Aussie prayer was Dawn bread'man. Early morning he gave them their daily bread.
Why does any one become obese if he has two intoxicating drinks ?
Coz he becomes tunn tunn
Radha offered butter to Kanha without a vessal . To avoid getting greasy hands , he asked “ bowl , Radha bowl”.
The tempered glass is not fitting tight on my mobile screen. I am getting loose tempered.
Does the public deserve liberty if it chooses to be led by Cage ri wall
The teacher scheduled a test during festivals. The students who were anti-test decided to pro-test.
Translate – have drunk get done fourth
है पी करवा चौथ
Yes..happy karwachauth
The Indian cricket team coach has become richer but grounded . He is now Earth 'shastri
My Room mate in hostel was a poet .
Fondly called him Rumi roomie
Ida = No’ida
So expensive you can’t buy any property there = cannot place
Do everything and run = Kar all bhag
Illness without why = Malad
We garland spring = vasant we haar
⛪⛩️ = Church gate
Monkey come = bandra
Catching criminal under the guise of helping them = cuff per aid
Single widow clearance = multiple permission to be obtained by widow for remarriage
At your Sir Vice :
Cold hot dog
Hot cold drink
Boneless veg tandoori
Chicken haryali
Milk after mango ( doodh baad'aam)
Happy heart ( Dil khush )
Spicy lady fingers – masala bhindi
Which participation in reality show signifies it’s theme ?
Big boss mein koe'na Mitra
The mountaineer pushed his girlfriend off a gorge. Now he is feeling gorgeous
Salim asked his girlfriend to do something but “ kuch bhi Kar saki'na”.
Mon'soon – the cloudy feeling of weekend having ended to bring a Monday too soon..may also lead to a downpour
The strict wife of a drunkard bought an iron bar to bar him from entering a bar. In the bargain she bartered all his belongings barring his overflowing barrel
Barbarians – those who love going to bar twice as much as others .
Barish – feeling like going to bar ..eg I am feeling barish today
Barber – getting sober after coming out of bar so that u can return home . Eg ..I am trying to get barber
Bartender– the female u meet at a bar
Bar council – revealing your secrets when drunk at bar in hope that someone will stitch phata his
Baritone – eye tonic at a bar
Barbeque – falling in line at a bar
Barrier – when u cannot go to back side of a bar
Barometer – measure of drink needed to take off tension ka gola your soul is under ( aatma'spheric pressure)
Barrister – one who fixes marriage alliances in bar
Barrack – where a tired soldier finally gets a good drink after a hard day duty
Bardana – bar snack ( chakhna/
The subordinate stopped communicating. It was a matter of “ some perk “
एक परी ने तीन दोस्त को एक एक आस मांगने को कहा। पहले ने पैसा मांगा , दूसरे ने खुशी। तीसरे ने सांप मांगा। वो आस तीन का सांप निकला ।
I started bending on both knees to build biceps ..coz Kneel Armstrong..no wonder I am all over the moon.
By the way two moons are not mad . Coz moon moon sane .
के साथ
समौसा- मौसा के साथ
स्वतंत्र – स वतन तंत्र
संबंध – स बंध
संघर्ष – स अंग हर्ष
संगरूर – स गुरूर
सनकी – स न की
I asked the Ticket checker in train ,” ye super fast itni slow kyu hai?”
He replied , “ tu isi ko Gati'maan”.
A patient asked doctor with his report which part of body needed to be cured .
“ Tongue “ said the doc.
“Tongue ? Oral cancer ??” asked frightened patient
“ Tongue gayi hai tasveer Khushi ki”.
Patient “ sir . Part bataiye pls “
Doctor “ gurde “
Patient “ omg ..gurde ?”
Doctor “ gur de Raha hu tumko”
Patient “ konse part ka ilaaj karau?”
Doctor “ sir ka ….sirka pyaaz khao..loo nahi lagegi “
Patient “ ill aaj main nahi mentally ill to tu hai ja ilaaj karaa apne sir ka,”
“Aaj Kya logi darling? “, man to his wife at an apparel store.
She “ aaj Sari le loogi”
The fruit basket gifted to groom's family during marriage ceremony got consumed very fast but bahu sasural mein abhi bhi tokri hai
Mr Shah got a son after a long wait. He named him Prateek.
We called him prateek-shah
Zyaada press ho gaya..isliye compress ho gaya
Saw a monkey enjoy shower in rain.
It was a monkey bath
I watched this add on TV where they boasted of selling not a single ply but a multiply. They called not of they or you but of mine'us
ps. As a kid I had 2 sizes of protractors..I called smaller one D narrow and the bigger one divide
My friend wants his super rich GF back but wo nahi lottery
Have common page in summers
Traslates to
Garmi mein aam panna piyen
जब मौसी समौसा आईं उनकी नज़र घर में कचरे पर टिक्की। उन्होंने बाई को पकोड़ा और नहीं कहीं किचौड़ी। उन्होंने चील्ला समझाया की ये गोल गोलगप्पे छोड़ दो सबका भल्ला होगा।
भूखे मुंह ने अन्न डाला
फिर वो बोला अंडा ला
अंडे में सुन ये निकल पर आए
फिर हो गए अपने भी पराए
Hollible horridays p ltd booked my tickets of foreign tour with an insane guy.
Mad'rid finally somehow !
Buniyaad hai.
Buni yaad hai
Bahut baas Marta tha..par mujhko uski bu ni yaad hai
What if Mausmi Chatterjee married Farukh Sheik ?
She would become Mausmi Shake
PS. Remember to put fevicol too...doodh futt jayega
परेशान पेट ने चटोरी जीभ से क्या कहा : अरे कभी नाभि करो
Traslate “ his flesh is weeping “
Usko ro'mance ho Raha hai
Document file karna hai , table se punch'kula.. Chandigarh jaana chahta Hun par mohal’i nahi ban raha
I want to buy low priced mineral water bottle from the lady but wo bis’leri hai
The obese took to exercise with a heavy heart
Zara Hir'akud ke boli to Raanjha Bha’khad a hua
Mayonnaise—19.5.19
I wanted to buy a cheap bottle of mineral water from lady at the counter but wo bis'leri. Then I wanted to give it to her relatives but she said tu kin'ley . I went Lal peela with anger and she said ,” le'har, ayr apni traffic light Puri kar “. I could not Catch her actual sense and sharam se pani pani ho gaya.
Now you don’t need to buy any water , she said with a smile .
Mom asked her daughter, a struggling actress, who the naughty man was ... “Ma'him”, she said. “ Ye Andheri mein sona chahta tha. Par main to chandi'wali Hoon”.
“ 7 din Tak ma'rol mangti rahi par pura vikh'roli nahi mila. Itni daru pilayi par isne ek bar bhi mujhko saki na'ka. Isko lawyer ke chembur mein let jayenge tabhi Kalyan hoga. Phir isko thane mein jail hogi and he will show Sion of improvement. “
Ma'lad see boli , “ theek hai beta..goregaon mein Kali bhains...we will teach him lesson Jo ye kabhi apne baap se na'sik paya”
हमारी feelings Ki इज़्ज़त'न'गर होगी तो हम को' देसी' आ तम्मा दोगे ?
My tea : what I become after having it
Some sweets :
The water is lost. Go to moon - gul'aab ja moon
Rub feather - par'mal
The juice is lost..come : Ras’gul'aa
Icy : barfi
Cashew murderi – kaju katli
Moon art – Chandra kala
Hair sweet – Baal mithai
Lion mare – Singh'ghodi
Burn also – jalebi
She dies - ee'marti
Not 6 hens - che'na'murgi
Gravel royal – balu shahi
Sing barren holy - gaa'jar pak
She has come after rubbing juice - ras'mal'ai
एक बहुत चालू लड़की थी । वो चोटी सी फ्रॉक में थी।
सारे लड़के फ़िराक में थे।
A great feeling of achievement when you finish a small bottle of liquor – quarter end
The busy doctor whose fee is exorbitant is free today
Shubham GILL was asked to what he knows of Taimur LUNG. “ That he used to have FEFDA jalebi for morning breakfast. “
लाता है खुशी , नाम गम'ला
Alistair Cook to India returned Jos Butler , “ Delhi’kaisi?”
एक stall से सब बाराती काफी खाना ला रहे थे, धीरे धीरे वहां काफी' ला बन गया
We will get marks tomorrow
Kal'ank मिलेंगे
The late Jaywant Lele was handed over award by famous writer Shobha de …coz jab Shobha de tab Jaywant Lele
काटने तो पूरा जंगल गया था पर लक्कड़' हारा
महंगी क्रीम वो खुश होकर लगाती थी। मुंह फुलाकर लगाने से जल्दी क्रीम ख़तम हो जाती।
अगर आप को अंदर से मालूम है कि आप बहादुर सिर्फ बन रहे हो तो आप बंदर तो नहीं
अगर आपके अंदर आग है तो आप सिकंदर तो नहीं। अगर आप के अंदर gas से पेट फट रहा है तो आप सिलिंडर तो नहीं ।
गर्मी में अगर hill station पर hotel booking नहीं मिले तो टकले हो जाओ। पहाड़गंज मिल जाएगा
We can’t make a fuel out of you . It’s a crime . Crime petrol. Coz u can’t win diesel . Being a paying guest u can’t shout much , only yell PG.
The weak english class went for hunting but could not even Shake’spear.
होली की शाम में पड़ोसी को पहचाना जब वो ना’
Lambi Qatar mein mere ku’wait na karna padey..isliye usko sau’dia toh woh bola “ara’bia aap aagey aa jao”
My watch has a discharged battery . Now it has become a one time watch .
Oh deer ! In a forest I rushed to pick my beast friend who would li’on grass but had to stop on seeing a zebra crossing
Jaya prada – worshipping brands
• Lady fish to her lover- main teri Khoj mein saara samundar ghoom gyi , parents Tuna mila
एक लड़के की अम्मा का नाम वस्या और मासी का नाम पूरण था। मासी उसके घर रहने आईं तो एक साथ ही अमावस्या और पूरणमासी हो गई
The big family returned after a long trip to US. Now he balti more and she’s washing tonne
My asthmatic friend went for trekking. He found some spots simply breath taking.
The bowler was sure of getting tailender batsman out but usney bowler ko chaukka diya
मी प्रवास दरम्यान किल्ली विसरलो ।
“ पुणे चला”
Tumhari akal bhi katni trichy hai..iron seel plant lagaya bhi to erode main
We take care of guys in our land. High hukku high high mera Mann guy guy . Offices to hv lynch breaks so that beefle folks can hv their last suffer. Cow ko mat cow. Goat hai na...poor animal kisi game mein na mohra na Goat hai. Main bhi kya bakra hoon
These guys in disguise
The self obsessed lady would often make up for her behaviour by using vanity.
The hawker helped his convict friend aur bail puri ho gyi.
Saara desh ab gujar’raat raha
These long sitting office hours will one day ensure our tails are set below back again . This impact will be called re’tail ass’set.
Once upon a time there was an obese prince. He was advised to take servings in a small box rather than his royal platter to reduce weight. There was a substantial reduction gradually. He grew up to be called out of box thin’king.
वक्त के ठोकर जब हम को धोकर टमाटर देंगे
ज्यादा आती महंगाई का जवाब हम कम-आकर देंगे
अब तो यही बात गहरी है मन में समाई
Aaj time pe aaja. Calculate ho jaana .
Panditji was very patient. Always said hari hari .
The Chinese suffer from arthritis . When they meet each other they first ask “ knee how ?”
A policeman’s uniform asked him , “ I am worthy , are you ?”
“Papa, how many marks did u score in your tenth ?”
“ I four’got “
पहाड़ चढते हुए सब बार बार खाने को कोई चीज़ मांग रहे थे। मैंने कहा – अभी तो खाई है
उसने दारू पीने का मन बनाया पर चखना’चूर हो गया ।
The ladies pulled each others’ hair in a fight. Dono ke beech un’bun ho gyi.
The RO machine was a pleasant sight. Mujhe wo Kent lag rahi thi
Bio dig raid able – Ability of bai to raid into private items and dig into family secrets
Bio law ji – the quality of bai to say ji to every order and then follow her own whims
Bio me tricks- the bai tricking everyone by not turning up despite request
Bio teen – a teenaged bai at home , much to dislike of the lady .
Mer maid – when the bai is on leave and lady of the house mops on own . Her legs are wet in drenched gown and she ends up in a fatal stage of tiredness .
Should a mango..will miss take him ?
Grape comes from vine , wine comes from Grape.
One vine to another – stop graping at me
She monkey to her hubby – I love grey’apes
Today is the day of self cannibalism- 17 ate 17
2
Anal’eyes- checking out
I am dying to go abroad. Feeling foreign’sick
Roz’marra – a discontent that one will die completing daily chores only
थी ख्वाहिश कुछ खास कर जीने की , पर रोज़ मर्रा
“ I have plans to enjoy drinks at home today “ I said to my wife. She replied , “ go-bar”
RR in court ,” mujhe maafi dedo”
Judge “ teri wali ?”
Overheard in Mumbai “..bah’rain ho rahi hai...ghar mein hi in-undate kar lo”
The Secret of holy Flood was a misunderstood pun ..”I nun date”
Lo ! Dera hoon
Impossible accomplished – charged love charger in a cell
Confused dad’s favourite holiday destination – West Bengal.
From there he can see asansol clearly
The socks court was in session. The larger ones were accused of always being found stocking
I entered a bar bravely at 21.59 but bar ten der
उसके चेहरे का रंग उड़ गया
He came out with flying colours
The abductors tied up children but pretending kid’napped ran’some.
He never believed in cooked up stories from others . He had all in’formation.
As a coach i want to express my desire to train her on how to get wooed . Par wo nahi patri.
It’s so nice when mom pulls up a lower on punju kid . He shares his feeling and says “pae jaa maa”
It was full of flaming ashes on TV but urn’ab hut gaya.
Do anjaan ek Cafe se ba’rishta nikley
Meri heart beat gali toh uski pulse bani
Park pulse na gali kyuki I had no money
રાત ગઈ છે
આ છે દિન
Whenever Pakistan cease fire India sees fire
My rss affiliate friend promised to accompany me . Par sang’hi leke nahi gya
Ab tak chap’pun-
The cuff of my shirt was torn when it got entangled in a bush. Now it has become a bush-shirt.
The committee interrogated staff for details of the source of funds but could not get the fine’answer.
“see ya pa “ said the children going out for late night party.
“siyapa” replied the concerned dad with a wry smile.
I challenged the tailor he could not stitch the dress like the one on display. “lagi shirt ?”
Husbands in Saudi are affluent. Sab Arab pati hain .
Overheard in kitchen late night .
“mein tumko kabse bowl raha hun ..mujhe kyu pakkad rakha hai ?”
“ nahi ji , main to sirf tumko churi hun par tumko kya fork padta hai”
The champ lost race due to suffering from athlete foot and a running nose.
हर शख्स हमें मोह-ताज दिखा
चाहे कल मिला या आज दिखा
जब सबके दिल पर राज होगा
तब माथे पर सच्चा ताज होगा
He gave me a piece of jaggery. I found it gud.
Students who make notes grow up to make notes
Got different types of dias during diwali and placed them all over. The one inside room was In dia. A one gram variety was dia gram. One that meant the world to my French wife was dia monde. A sparkling one kept near a wooden piece spoke out to others..hence called dia log. Another one was a diaphragm abroad. It was sweet looking but my wife’s diabete (s) noire. Another one was round and took a meter called dia meter. When all were placed in was left with my wife Bin dia.
Punjabi pun
The work got over . Kamuk gaya
How do you prove boys join girls after a fight ?
sab ladki ladkey aa jao
= all girls and boys come = All girls come after a fight
And boys = after a fight.
Hence proved .
Can kiss only below knees. Kiss mat apni up knee.
In the initial years of marriage I used to call my wife beautiful first thing in the morning. I still call her that. Only now it’s be you tea full.
Chai ki chuski e
The guy wanted a girl who could make proper tea.
What did she say to her rather aged date which touched her ?
मुझको क्यू छुआरा है
I feel dizzy when going to Hill stations. Sir mera chakrata
The prince and the pauper wanted the same thing. The throne/thrown.
Match begins at Centurion. Indian team is in search of a few amidst their batsmen too .
VACANCY FOR – LOSERS for handing over stuff from basement to sales staff on ground floor. They will give up easily .
Tried to tone my body in a gym ..failed
Trying to drink more and hv lots of snacks...6 pack abs nahi to 6 peg abs hi sahi
Toned (hindi)
Wishing everyone money , place to drink and tasty snacks to eat.
Re pub lic(k)
Happy Republic Day
एक उत्तर दीजिए-
पानी क्यूं भर कर रखा ?
सारा दोष क्यूं अपने ऊपर लिया?
क्यूंकि
बहाना नहीं था
The lawn equipment was above average...it never got mowed down
What did one goat say to another tied in same butcher shop ?
Let's meat
What did the chef give to a score of soldiers with their leader ?
21 salamis
The old man at dye shop asked me if he could use a different colour .
“ I don’t care if you dye olive “, I said rudely.
His wife had always said she couldn’t live without him.
When she was asked to desert him , उसने प्राण त्याग दिए
The tigress was administered laxative during delivery . Usko cubs ho gyi thi .
As per survey findings the people are not happy with present government due to rising prices. The prices will lead to end of those at helm of affairs . However , the agency is forced to confirm everyone is happy. The chief cannot lie .
So he sums up , “ Survey: sukhi na bhaav ant tu “
The head of south Asian arm of an MNC was good at heart and offered to foot the bill of team dinner at Palm Grove restaurant even though he had only fish fingers. He left everyone tongue tied and tight lipped . It soon became a thumb rule in the company .
The pretty girl studied in the adjacent class room. She was a class apart.
Mc Donald’s plan some changes . One - they will launch an intelligent burger that will taste like a biscuit. Mc Witty. Open spaces with lively music called Mc Arena. There will be poles and carts of knee height to carry their stuff to this Mc arena. This facility will be called Pole Mc cart knee.
Finally, there is a code a mom asks her son if he has looted bahu ka maika. Maika looti ki nahi..which sounds like Mc aloo tikki nahi
Boss – Aiyyo , yie need this report yon yearly basis .
Staff – ok Sir, I will submit this next year
Boss – you are fired
The beloved comes (hindi) : jaanu aari
Awesome beer at : Fab brewery
I -m a part of circumference : I -m arch
March past : April
Lord Krishna allowed him to make mistake in one particular month : err June
The lice brought (hindi) : ju lai
The wind of fascination : awe gust
Seven on fire : Sept ember
An awkward you tuber- Awk tuber
The new sky (hindi) : Nav amber
The sambhar cooked by elder sister : Di’s sambhar
The fair lady your dress is lovely (hindi song) – gori tera gown bada pyara
Yellow in hindi equals red in English.
Wo chup chaap apne haath peele karke bhag gyi aur range haathon pakdi gyi. She was caught red handed when her hands were yellow.
Hence proved
Carb’on dating – a person on a strict diet regimen forced to have carbs on a date.
Delhi’cacy – a Delhite outside city missing food of delhi and asking for updates .
Mob lunching – hungry bunch running havoc on food in a party.
Yawn rogue – a rogue yawning in a party and inducing sleep among other guests
Par’tea- an overhyped dinner invite ending up equivalent of a tea party only.
High per city – excessive drinking making one feel the entire city is on a high
Aloo mutter – one guest muttering to another and calling to a washroom.
Go’bhi- a tired host asking his guests to eventually leave .
Kadhi neend aa- kadhi inducing sleep on consumption
Finally , apki rai maan ke isliye jeera hoon ki wo potato sahi
-Why are homelite and ship so good at matrimony ?
Coz they always have a match
-What did an empty m match box say before the challenge?
I am no match for him
-Why did they leave the match stick alone when it rained during a game?
The match was abandoned .
-How did the kid ask for a cheese stick from his mom ?
Maa’cheese ki tili dena
-What did the bengali say when his match box turned into trouble ?
Maachis jhol
Peak level – the height up to which walls of govt offices are spit upon by pan chewing people.
7
Unemployed son to his mom - Gamma – Ohm shanti Ohm ..phir tu sona char Pi par.
Mom – Omegawd ! What an idea Beta. I’ll find some way to help you . Then I’ll get you a Dell tab.
Son – tau bhi ab mujhe eta nahi marenge ...mat rho ma..teri nu bhi sundar hogi
Unemployed son to his mom - γ..Ω shanti Ω..phir tu sona π π π π par
Mom – ω-wd ! What an idea β .α ind some way to help you . Then I’ll get you a δ-b.
Son- τ bhi ab mujhe η nahi marenge .. ρ mat ma ..teri ν bhi sundar hogi
Years back..a West Indian batsman signalled for gloves and was irritated as no one got them for long .
He shouted , “ gloves kyu nahi laa rahe ? Twelfth man kaun hai ??”.
Reply from the dug out ,” Lara hoon “.
The defaulter has made recovery of bad loans for bankers almost like a huge mountain to surmount .
He-mallya
Hum gye Agra ke Devi ram ki poori jalebi khane Kisi ne wife pe mara’donna toh uski surat Rooney ho gyi. Bahut samjhaya..choti baat ko mat dil Pele par woh boli ..Messi hi hoon.
Ye kya bakwas padh rahe ho sab ...subah subah soccer uthey ho..Bhagwan ka naam lo
Navratri ke next day imli bhi imfl dikhai dega
Npa se Bach ne ke liye banks mein choksi badhaane ki scheme ka mallya’rpan jald hi hoga.
Wo hai top ki heroine
Aisi kalpana laajmi hai
Uska naam poocha to boli
Naam shabana aaj me hai
A simple recipe for those who observe fast and want to hv taste of gold gappas..
1. Take kuttu puris with a glass of water.
U’ll hv pani puri .
2. Ladies to remove their bindi and enter into gossip about their ambition in life . It’ll be called goal gappein minus bindi = goal gappe
3. U can ask for permission. “poochke “ hi to chahiye.
4. U can have batasha with sugar makhanas. At least u can hv batasha .
गर्मी के आते ही दिन बड़े हो गए ।
पर बड़े अच्छे लगते हैं ।
अर्थात अच्छे दिन आ गए ।
Hence proved
Why do we hv to visit police station repeatedly for getting report registered?
Coz they read FIR in hindi
FIR likhwane aya hai
If u are sufferung from a low BMR level
Hv lots of drinks and improve your Beer Malt and Rum levels
रोटी दे रोटी दे
बोटी दे बोटी दे
बोटी दे रोटी दे
रोटी दे बोटी दे
ये क्या है?
भूखा शेर
What did one pancake mix say to other ?
I am feeling batter.
Discuss throw – baatein karte hue phenkna
Paika ‘dily- a girl missing her maika when married outside delhi
If one who understands ur pain is hum dard...one who bleeds with u is hum'bled
Why do most stylish people do not like micro max ?
Coz they like micro minis
If number lock is a num lock ..one who counts on bed is num’bed ?
Asked if he was sure if the crime was committed by a rather ugly nun , the prime witness confirmed, “ yucky nun”.
Why did all guys want to take the third sack in queue? Coz it was sack C
After a lively duet performance that kept audience till late night, they announced ..ab solo
The guy was fed up with dark skinned prospectiveow brides . He observed fast and prayed till their Goddess appeared and promised a wish He said “ Ma shaadi ke liye ek gori laa”.
The next day he was married to a gorilla .
Kangana Ranaut could not be handed over registration papers of car
Kyuki haath Kangan ko RC kya hua
I used to think earlier...now I am ex-pensive
What is a personnel department for commoners called ?
Aam ka HR
Mandira needs only to remove her bindi to intoxicate. Then she becomes Madira
Aurangzeb collection – limited edition designer shirts with pocket of a different colour
Apne moo mian me too – silent suffering of cattle class women at the hands of their respective husband
An adolescent girl from orthodox family felt shy to openly share what she wanted. So she simply giggled ...he hehe
Quinton de cock and kemar roach were batting together in IPL. Their partnership was called the cock roach stand .
Am planning to invest huge amount in apparel store of Arrow and Gant. The store will be rightly named Arrow Gant.
I called Vin Diesel on his direct line . “ hello Vin “I said.
“ do I look like one ?” hr asked
Bishen singh Bedi was deadly on home pitches when Sri Lanka toured India.
This is called ghar ka Bedi Lanka dhaye
The guy married an ageing actress ..just in the Nick of time .
What is father of pup called ?
Dog
What is mom of kitten called !
Cat
What is father of tiger called ?
Jackie
Translate to himdi
She laughs very heavily.
Wow bahut bhari hasti hai
How does a dancing Santa in South India turn an actress into a snack ?
Rambha ho ho ho..main nachoon tum nacho
Daru wohi Jo Sula de
There were kids of class 4th E.
One day they set up a tent in the class .
That was called
Tent at iv e
or tentative
Australia : Currently Handscomb Head, Paine to follow !
They asked me to take name of milk products ..I could only mutter paneer
The basketball school had high principals
Tum Thailand kyu ghoom aye, apne desk mein Kya Krabi thi
शेख साहब कचालू क्यों खाते थे?
क्यूंकि उनको अरबी पसंद थी
If u continue to dislike is it a stay’shun?
च – बुरी बला है
आओ न्यायलय पर बुरा पुदीना के पास मिलें - lets meet near bad mint on court
Those who jump and bounce a lot can easily get off'spring
दास्तां ए दासताना
हम गए रात 11.15 बजे का शो देखने, 100% attendance ! Elections, 50 % ?
मोदीनुमा थानोस और बाकी सबका महा गठबंधन।
लोहेवाला, मकड़िवाला, काली विधवा, अजीब चिकित्सक, काली मिर्च गमला इत्यादि
एक 6 पत्थर का दास्ताना सारा जहां मस्ताना... सिर्फ एक सवाल, ये english movies में छोटे jokes पर भी सब ज़ोर से क्यों हंसते हैं?
The Eternal
The Eternal
The feeble recoil for once
Follows a stamping thud
Then the course decides
To die within undug furrows
The partially shrivelled petals
And some dull nascent buds
Sigh as they get fall in grave
As the soil covers the last view
One side continues to behold
Even through the opaque mud
Of the severed tangibles called life
The sound, touch , smell and sight
All freeze and flow adrift with urn
What remains behind is spilled sap
That oozes out every now and then
Visible to the parched ground
And invisible amidst happy sands.
The clouds happened to drip today
After the meadows were watered
And some seeds that were long buried
Bore tiny sprouts of sweet remembrance.
Delhi
01.05 hrs
1856
10.5.20
The Eternal
The feeble recoil for once
Follows a stamping thud
Then the course decides
To die within undug furrows
The partially shrivelled petals
And some dull nascent buds
Sigh as they get fall in grave
As the soil covers the last view
One side continues to behold
Even through the opaque mud
Of the severed tangibles called life
The sound, touch , smell and sight
All freeze and flow adrift with urn
What remains behind is spilled sap
That oozes out every now and then
Visible to the parched ground
And invisible amidst happy sands.
The clouds happened to drip today
After the meadows were watered
And some seeds that were long buried
Bore tiny sprouts of sweet remembrance.
Delhi
01.05 hrs
1856
10.5.20
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