कुछ नए मुहावरे

कुछ  नए मुहावरे

जीने पर रजाई छत पर जमाई – मांग पूरी न कर पाना
मेले मे बारिश गले मे खारिश-  मौजूद मस्ती के अवसर पर दुखी रहना
रामलीला मे नीर बरसे तंबू मे तीर तरसे – आकस्मिक हानि होना
घोड़ी पर तिलक डोली मे बिलख – एक ही घटना के भिन्न पहलू
पकड़ मे पल्लू जकड़ मे लल्लू-  घर पर एकछत्र राज चलना
कुत्ते का भौंकना सबका चौंकना-  व्यर्थ अचंभा करना
दही के हुल्लड़ लस्सी के कुल्लड़-  प्रबंध व्यर्थ होना
सर्द घोड़ी घमौड़ी होना – बेतुकी बात होना
पान से स्वागत करना – खातिर न करना
कुम्हार का जुलाहे से बैर होना-  सशक्त शत्रु का होना

Puns

The lad on Google messenger is called glad. Due to connectivity issues if he goes offline then he goes on a high on a ladder. When connection resumes lad becomes gladdest

Puns 3

The champ lost race due to suffering from athlete foot and a running nose. 

हर शख्स हमें मोह-ताज दिखा

चाहे कल मिला या आज दिखा

जब सबके दिल पर राज होगा

तब माथे पर सच्चा ताज होगा

He gave me a piece of jaggery.  I found it gud.

Students who make notes grow up to make notes

Got different types of  dias during diwali and placed them all over. The one inside room was In dia.  A one gram variety was dia gram. One that meant the world to my French wife was dia monde. A sparkling one kept near a wooden piece spoke out to others..hence called dia log.  Another one was a diaphragm abroad. It was sweet looking but my wife’s diabete (s) noire. Another one was round and took a meter called dia meter. When all were placed in was left with my wife Bin dia. 

Punjabi pun 

The work got over . Kamuk gaya

How do you prove boys join girls after a fight ?

sab ladki ladkey aa jao

= all girls and boys come = All girls come after a fight

And boys = after a fight.

Hence proved .

 

Can kiss only below knees. Kiss mat apni up knee.

In the initial years of marriage I used to call my wife beautiful first thing in the morning. I still call her that. Only now it’s be you tea full. 

Chai ki chuski 

The guy wanted a girl who could make proper tea.

What did she say to her rather aged date which touched her ? 

 मुझको क्यू छुआरा है

 I feel dizzy when going to Hill stations. Sir mera chakrata

The prince and the pauper wanted the same thing. The throne/thrown.

Match begins at Centurion.   Indian team is in search of a few amidst their batsmen too .

Puns2

Should a mango..will miss take him ?

Grape comes from vine , wine comes from Grape. 

One vine to another – stop graping at me

She monkey to her hubby – I love grey’apes 

Today is the day of self cannibalism- 17 ate 17

2

Anal’eyes- checking out 

I am dying to go abroad. Feeling foreign’sick

Roz’marra – a discontent that one will die completing daily chores only 

थी ख्वाहिश कुछ खास कर जीने की , पर रोज़ मर्रा 

“ I have plans to enjoy drinks at home today “ I said to my wife.  She replied , “ go-bar” 

RR in court ,” mujhe maafi dedo”

Judge “ teri wali ?”

Overheard in Mumbai “..bah’rain ho rahi hai...ghar mein hi in-undate kar lo”

The Secret of  holy Flood was a misunderstood pun ..”I nun date”

Lo ! Dera hoon

Impossible accomplished – charged  love charger in a cell 

Confused dad’s favourite holiday destination – West Bengal. 

From there he can see asansol  clearly  

The socks court was in session. The larger ones were accused of always being found stocking 

I entered a bar bravely at 21.59 but bar ten der

उसके चेहरे का रंग उड़ गया 

  He came out with flying colours 

The abductors tied up children but pretending  kid’napped ran’some.

He never believed in cooked up stories from others . He had all in’formation. 

As a coach i want to express my desire to train her on how to get wooed . Par wo nahi patri.

It’s so nice when mom pulls up a lower on punju kid . He shares his feeling and says “pae jaa maa”

It was full of flaming ashes on TV but urn’ab hut gaya. 

Do anjaan ek Cafe se ba’rishta nikley 

Meri heart beat gali toh uski pulse bani

Park pulse na gali kyuki I had no money 

રાત ગઈ છે 

આ છે દિન

Whenever Pakistan  cease fire India  sees fire 

My rss affiliate friend promised to accompany me . Par sang’hi leke nahi gya

Ab tak chap’pun- 

The cuff of my shirt was torn when it got entangled in a bush. Now it has become a bush-shirt.

The committee interrogated staff for details of the source of funds but could not get the fine’answer. 

“see ya pa “ said the children going out for late night party.

“siyapa” replied the concerned dad with a wry smile.

I challenged the tailor he could not stitch the dress like the one on display. “lagi shirt ?”

Husbands in Saudi are affluent.  Sab Arab pati hain .

Overheard in kitchen late night . 

“mein tumko kabse bowl raha hun ..mujhe kyu pakkad rakha hai ?”

“ nahi ji , main to sirf tumko churi hun par tumko kya fork padta hai”

Puns 1

We can’t make a fuel out of you . It’s a crime . Crime petrol.  Coz u can’t win diesel . Being a paying guest u can’t shout much , only yell PG. 

The weak english class went for hunting but could not even Shake’spear. 

होली की शाम में पड़ोसी को पहचाना जब वो ना’

Lambi Qatar mein mere ku’wait na karna padey..isliye usko sau’dia toh woh bola “ara’bia aap aagey aa jao”

My watch has a discharged battery . Now it has become a one time watch .

Oh deer ! In a forest I rushed to pick my beast friend who would li’on grass but had to stop on seeing a zebra crossing 

Jaya prada – worshipping brands

• Lady fish to her lover- main teri Khoj mein saara samundar ghoom gyi , parents Tuna mila 

एक लड़के की अम्मा का नाम वस्या और मासी का नाम पूरण था। मासी उसके घर रहने आईं तो एक साथ ही अमावस्या और पूरणमासी हो  गई 

The big family returned after a long trip to US. Now he balti more and she’s washing tonne 

My  asthmatic friend went for trekking. He found some spots simply breath taking. 

The bowler was sure of getting tailender batsman out but usney bowler ko chaukka diya

मी प्रवास  दरम्यान किल्ली विसरलो ।

“ पुणे चला”

Tumhari akal bhi katni trichy hai..iron seel plant lagaya bhi to erode main 

We take care of guys in our land. High hukku high high mera Mann guy guy . Offices to hv lynch breaks so that  beefle folks can hv their last suffer. Cow ko mat cow. Goat hai na...poor animal  kisi game mein na mohra na Goat hai. Main bhi kya bakra hoon 

These guys in disguise 

The self obsessed lady would often make up for her behaviour by using vanity.

The hawker helped his convict friend aur bail puri ho gyi. 

Saara desh ab gujar’raat raha 

These long sitting office hours will one day ensure our tails are set below back again . This impact will be called re’tail ass’set. 

Once upon a time there was an obese prince. He was advised to take servings in a small box rather than his royal platter to reduce weight. There was a substantial reduction gradually. He grew up to be called out of box thin’king. 

 वक्त के ठोकर जब हम को धोकर टमाटर देंगे 

ज्यादा आती महंगाई का जवाब हम कम-आकर देंगे 

अब तो यही बात गहरी है मन में समाई

Aaj time pe aaja. Calculate ho jaana .

Panditji was very patient.  Always said hari hari .

The Chinese suffer from arthritis . When they meet each other they first ask “ knee how ?”

A policeman’s uniform asked him , “ I am worthy , are you ?”

“Papa, how many marks did u score in your tenth ?”

“ I four’got “

पहाड़ चढते हुए सब बार बार खाने को कोई चीज़ मांग रहे थे। मैंने कहा – अभी तो खाई है

उसने दारू पीने का मन बनाया  पर चखना’चूर हो गया ।

 The ladies pulled each others’ hair in a fight. Dono ke beech un’bun ho gyi.

The RO machine was a pleasant  sight.  Mujhe wo Kent lag rahi thi 

Bio dig raid able – Ability of bai to raid into private items and dig into family secrets

Bio law ji – the quality of bai to say ji to every order and then follow her own whims

Bio me tricks- the bai tricking everyone by not turning up despite request 

Bio teen – a teenaged bai at home , much to dislike of the lady .

Mer maid – when the bai is on leave and lady of the house mops on own . Her legs are wet in drenched gown and she ends up in a fatal stage of tiredness .

VACANCY FOR  – LOSERS for handing over stuff from basement to sales staff on ground floor. They will give up easily .

The Waves 1720

Your desires drive forth the sea

Mount the receding hesitation

The mounds of ambivalent drops

Collapse when reality pulls them back

They fall with a thud and overspill

The entire cosmos of their being

When drops recoil they fall on their kind

At times in the glitter of flowing night

When  memories breeze past, drops flow

From the Vale into a silt clogged shore

Then the moon pulls with his ray arms

That defy the gravity of deep rooted truth

For a few moments the silver touches

The sparkling  halo of her wild ravine tress

And she revolves like an enchanted danseuse

While the silvery man holds her whirlpool

Some drops fall off unwrapped waves

And reflect the twinkle of heavenly stars

Sometimes she falls on her unseen bubbles

That spur the mad night breeze in deep

The sound from land is often buried

In the slumber filled trumpeting sea

The unfettered and fearless at night.

Delhi

23.57 hrs

17.1.18

1720

The labyrinth 1719

My flag pierces the zenith

Wow ! Finally the peak here

Kneels below my tattered sole

Perhaps the flag in my pocket

Kept my feet on the steep slants

When my shoe was often  ruptured

By shark jaw like rocky blades .

The pain has now been paid well

By the demanding glory of time.

From atop the tiny world bows

The people come out of their anthill

And the farms merge onto closer skies

The labyrinth we weave around ourselves

Often traps the poor spider in his own net

For we forget the way to a free world

The spiralled toil on beaten tracks

Every now and then bring us back

To the destination from where we start

When things become emotions

And when people become things

The I is reduced to a mere coagulation

Of the lost paths inside the maze

For often we fear of ceasing to be

We still do not know why we are .

Delhi

1719

12.12 hrs

13.1.18

When dust is clean - A short story

There is a hand sanitizer in my pocket all the time . A few extra remain in my car for an emergency that so far has not happened . In addition to the sanitizer I keep a soap bar should it be needed . There is dirt and slime everywhere that I need to avoid. Tap Knobs , napkins  , soap dispensers are the biggest source of germs . They befool the trusting hand that touches them innocently . The wash room door that is touched on return also returns the germs to hand.  The only change in the entire effort is that the poor fool does not realize that his hands are dirty again. Then the lines on fingers . Dust settles in the hidden sweat between them. The cleaner grooves also get filled when fingers rub with each other . 

The sin begins right from pillow and bed sheet. They get washed in same machine with other clothes used all around. The same press that touches other garments also touches them. Then I use remote and switches . These had fallen down many a time on floor. Someone also wore slippers and shoes on floor. Where all they might have landed need no description.  The newspaper that lands in balcony . Even if the floor has been wiped clean how can I ensure the hands of vendor are clean ? Tea cups might pretend to be clean but how do we know what was touched by the hand before they were pulled off from the shelf. The painter who polished shelves once ....so am I actually sipping the germs off his dingy brush ? It’s a cruel world indeed as slowly the bacteria and algae invade our health.

I was returning from park today when a puddle existed in the adjacent park. Some children were playing cricket .

They used the ball, put hands in pockets which were full of keys , phones and paraphernalia that might find it’s way

into their pockets . A  boy left game and rushed to his cycle as his mom scolded him for having forgotten a packet of biscuits at the nearby grocer shop. There money exchanged hands and landed into our dear pockets eventually . So my wallet us full of the germs on the soil in this park. When stray and pet dogs find poles and bushes . Eeeeww! I was just thinking when the biggest scandal in our times occurred.  The ball that carried fatality of all kinds suddenly started getting bigger and bigger as it came towards me . It hit my hands first and then popped up to touch my lips . The staunchest among all Brahmins had today tasted meat . The unpardonable and unthinkable had happened.  Darn ! 

I barged into the park and started yelling at the children . They had spoilt years of my impeccable vigil. I did  not need any explanation.  In my fit of unbridled rage I toppled on a bat and splashed into the puddle.  This was ultimate sin ! My limbs and mind were shattered . Tiny faces encircled me in disbelief on what had happened within a matter of few moments. I overturned towards darkening sky only to see them giggle.  I broke into laughter ! I laughed till the time tears rolled to clean trail . A few hands leaned to assist. I pulled them down into the slush . The park overflowed with laughter .

The G-hosts - a short story

There was a new entrant today. A twelve year old Chutki was battered after being molested. She had  walked in utter shock through the village street to her hut. Her frock that was stitched by her mother was ripped off from her body. As the crowds gathered she tried to hide her body with the tattered garb . The loudest jeer came from old men. She silently reached threshold and knocked with her might. Chutki’s parents had locked their doors from within.  She bled all night to death. “ Another gift from man unkind “ , said Abbu, the most seasoned ghost. Then he called Nathu and Raju as they prayed for her as she paraded after her demise.

“I come from a small village where illiterate people won’t understand “ , Chutki said in a self consoling mode. She bumped into a stack of small unborn sisters, United by all faith , creed and economic disparities.  The gifts were  returned strangely before the umbilical ribbon was cut. They all giggled in unison. There were the boys waving at them. These were the ones left to choke in ventilators  .

More gifts from Man unkind. The worshippers were blown by those who believed in a different God . Then some were the parcels from malls ,theatres , concerts. The reason of death was still being investigated . Chutki looked perplexed. Abbu understood and said “ these are the repercussions of progress “. A hand fell on them. Chutki shrieked with fear! It was a chilled hand.  Maybe someone was crossing a foot over bridge when the stampede began. People stepped on him till his ribs broke and limbs came off. His lungs were punctured.  “ Crowd frenzy “, Abbu said. Nathu shouted ,” and pray what was the crowd doing when they watched the this man hammered to death ? Why were they making videos and clicking selfies ?”.

Zubeda and Ravi were murdered for their inter religion love. They were returned to same Creator though. A soldier

still had has salute on as he narrated his story of technical snag of fighter jet.  There was one killed for protection of some animal .Abbu also introduced her to a herd of farmers who could not tolerate man unkind any further. Then there was a lady with tools inserted all over her as she had pleaded for mercy from a pack of boys. Nathu told that whenever they needed to repair anything she was called for assistance as hardly a tool was missing in her. The members had apparently been extremely kind to them. The most interesting tale was of Raju who had committed suicide while playing a game . 

This was the land of untimely deaths . Thankfully the ghosts had shed all blood before checking in. Chutki looked from above in disbelief ,” which is the ghostland?”. Here the ghosts did not believe in any creed or religion. They cared for each other and shuddered at the ways of man unkind. The alive people of our world , though say they do not believe in ghosts. Strange , isn’t it ?

The Fossils - a short story

The frozen leap remains etched for ages. It remains as a preserved memory that someone once existed . The Fossils remain burrowed within us . 

I was rushing to office early in the morning and was also reading usual messages of staff request for leave or late reporting to the office. Beep ! An innocuous sounding text conveyed a “hi” in my messenger . I didn’t even half read it in early morning rush. Later in night there was another reminder which also went unread. The next noon I saw three messages , all being a simple “hi”. There was a small display pic of a lady  that was barely visible on my phone screen . Suddenly there was an important phone call that went for almost an hour and I forgot the messages .However , the sender could make out that I had read the messages due to the notification on messenger .

That night I was woken up by a beep that asked “ do you remember Rohit ?” Rohit ?! Someone had mentioned his name after ages . He was my next door neighbour and child hood friend. Together we had ventured into our innocent years . Those were the days  power backup for homes  were unheard of . With every power failure late in the evening we had full liberty to come out of our homes and resume our games aborted abruptly in the day with the signal from home .  He was in a different school and a year older but for the leisure time after school hours there was no better an hour than the time spent with him. Rohit ! Oh  how does she know Rohit ?

Somewhere I had guessed it. I did not want to accept it was her. I had taken years to forget her before resuming life . Who have her this liberty to come into my life  unannounced much as she had left without a hint ? She came and conquered at will . Then she left only to return . It had taken years to dry the drops on shore and take my sand to a desert.  This small ripple from her was enough to spark a tsunami within. 

I closed my eyes . It was four at night. Somewhere a siren of train was blowing  full pitch. There would be frenzy on a railway platform . I tossed and turned on my uneasy bed. Probably a mosquito had found his way close to my ear. Then I felt thirsty. My night was spoilt. 

15th september 1989. Rohit had turned fifteen. It was a party at his home. I knew some of his friends who lived in vicinity. But I had never seen her before. There she was , assisting aunty in arrangements . I could shyly muster a small gesture as she smiled . There was no further exchange of words ....only glances were exchanged. She was Rohit’s classmate so there was nothing that came to my mind which could be an excuse to talk to her. Thankfully I won a game and she congratulated me. Then I danced as well as I could and one small look of appreciation on her face filled my heart with absolute joy. That evening lit my life. I never sprayed the perfume again I had used that evening.  I never wore the shirt again. These Fossils were the thud of a young heart and  remained afresh forever. So did her smile remain immortal as that of a Mona Lisa. 

I had a few sips of water and struggled to sleep. The next day was already scheduled to be busy with meetings lined up . I had always ensured a sound sleep but it was  different tonight . Somehow the morning had mercy and turned up to my rescue.  I remained uneasy awaiting a beep. I checked my phone several times to check . At afternoon she sent the deadliest one so far “ Don’t you remember me ?”. Her name was not my password but when had I forgotten her ? My buddy Rohit had remained a mechanism to send an occasional “ hi “ to begin with.  When there was an ample indication of green signal I had gathered enough courage to send an odd friendship card. She was talented and drew well. Her writing itself was so artistic. She would simply write something on a piece of paper which to me were like feast to a pauper. Her hands always had a fragrance and whatever she touched would always smell the same. I tried everyday and her fragrance remained fresh and strong as ever. 

The rest of the day was a struggle between emotion , mental fatigue at office and a thrill in the heart. Strangely as I tried to sniff her text messages and realised  . There was some important discussion in the evening and I sounded unprepared to the clients . My colleagues looked at me and smiled. 

I was horrible at drawing . My writing too was mostly incoherent and at times even filthy. Still that did not deter me from sending a sketch with caption “ the Mona Lisa of my life”. It was then that she understood clearly . Maybe Rohit too had a role here . She invited me to her home on her birthday next week. That week went down in my little history as the most celebrated one ever. I took out my favourite dress and got it ironed days in advance. Then I visited all the biggest of stores and got her a birthday gift. I also prepared a dance for her party.  My heart was thudding and my palms were greasy as I opened the gate. There she was , dressed in pink and looked like a rose .  Rohit had already reached . Then I touched her for the first and only time . I didn’t know if her fingers were numb or mine. But I sniffed my hands immediately and could not miss her fragrance.  Even the water she got was nectar. The nectar that her smile had gathered from innocent buds of my heart. 

Here I was going numb as questions were darted at me in the meeting. I somehow went for a break and washed my eyes till they were red. Then I wiped my tears and returned to face the slaughter.  It was the same choking feeling as years ago. Her Dad was transferred soon after her birthday . The session too had ended so they had already packed bags when I got the news. Rohit could not convey it to me earlier  I rushed to her home and found she had already left. That was the end of something that started only six months back.

I have since then never talked to Rohit. I knew not where she went . It was too much for a young lad to absorb. I was now reading her text and smiling “ Don’t you remember me?” . I just reverted “ hi . Do you still wear a pink dress ? Do you still weigh 32 kg ? Do you still draw artistically ? Do you still smile without a reason ? Are you still as charming ?” . Then I put up my family snap on messenger and blocked her forever . My wife called me up . “ Yes Mona, coming in 30 minutes “ , I said. Some fossils remain perpetually alive. Sometimes we carry oar to desert.